On travel as life

*This is a previously unposted blog entry from our trip. I guess it got lost in the shuffle, but I thought I would post it.*


Gratitude. Fictions. Questions. Discovery. Uncovered.

The more I am away, the more it is revealed to me that all the bunglings and bumps of navigating this unfamiliar world are, in fact, quite familiar. Those "new aspects of myself" I now see emerging in the throws of travel, actually turn out to be rather long standing patterns and ways of being, rusted and worn from years of habitual and often mindless use. Born of reinforcement, in other places with other people, for reasons I am more and more inclined to question.

At some point I think I got it into my head that upon stepping into the unstructured, the unknown, the undiscovered, I would blossom into some wild and expansive version of myself. I guess that waiting until I was 32 to take "the big trip" gave me plenty of time to craft some pretty amorphous and tantalizing visions - not founded in much reality I had any direct experience with. 


Akin to the meditation retreat fantasies I have been prone to - of being a wise wispy floating emodiement of peace (no loud laughing boisterous red heads allowed!) - I managed to vision myself as being a traveller who was at ease in any situation, making easy friends with all, speaking all languages effortlessly of course. 


Well, it turns out that I am still myself.

The fact that I am surprised is part of the puzzle...

Simplicity in suburbia

I went for a walk to the local gardening store this afternoon - my first walk in this new neighbourhood through many cul-de-sac'ed streets.

I find myself feeling alien here, more often than not.

What is needed to create that elusive sense of home? Will the right welcome mat/garden pot/fridge magnet/comfy couch help me to feel like this is the place for me? Will I find the like minded change agents I seek at that yoga class/coffee shop/movie night/work place?

I am trying to ride out these waves of resistance, judgement, aversion and fear - fear that the many good, purposeful, well thought out reasons we are here, are not enough to help me feel like I belong.

Wondering at this sense of disorientation, I am reminded about...

1. Pre-School: "Mom, can I go to preschool - I need friends" says 4 year old, only child me. Always one to crave connection and the familiar friendliness of playmates, co-conspirators and inspiration I begged to go. The need for connection and community has indeed been a part of almost every decision in my life.

2. Cul-de-sac: My own suburbia experience growing up until the age of 8. Close by to my school, a local stream to catch cray fish and another Jenny up the street who would become my best friend. My parents planting an expansive garden- eating fresh peas off the vine. Even then I took the role of social convener - inviting in the neighbourhood and concocting elaborate games.

3. Town House: Our move to the city after my parents divorce, both my Mom and I feeling alien and a reluctant sense of place. I remember telling my Mom that we had to move because there was a cemetery down the street. I remember making friends with cats.

4. Character: Seeking heritage, personality, community, vibrancy, diversity, colour as I started to find my own way- my own sense of home into adulthood. These choices directed by proximity to connection, meaningful activities, and of course health food stores. Suites in houses on tree lined streets- old homes, many neighbours, large windows, gardens spilling over...

And what do I see now when I am walking in this new place under the late afternoon sky?

I am choosing to see only the 2 car garages full of stuff, recently rolled out sod lawns, huge homes, expensive cars, status quo, development. I know that partially this is a choice to see things this way- but nonetheless I long for the hippie kids on their bikes, the coffee shops spilling over with familiar faces, the chaos and beauty of easement gardens, the colourful homes brimming with character and history.

I am trying very hard to ride these waves of resistance- trying to bring another perspective to the life I have only barely begun to create here. I will sign up for the yoga class. I will return home to our "just right" co-op townhouse. I will re-find myself in journals and on meditation cushions.

I will go downstairs to our new full sized kitchen, chop veggies from the neighbourhood house community garden, make soup and share it with my love when he returns. Home.

Without All This Ado

Without All This Ado

Check out this blog post from Miss Minimalist-- it really spoke to me this morning...

Today...

I am stemming the tide of "stuff" that surrounds us as we create "home" again
I am dreaming up habits that will serve me to grow in the direction of dreams
I am writing list of the important things, to ensure that they stay present in my mind
I am going to take more clothes out of my closet so that I can feel more space in my life

Is a Monday morning in a new place where I have slept for (almost) 10 days in a row
Is a kitchen table with a cup of coffee in a mug I recognize
Is a to-do list longer than I could ever achieve in one day- and that is OK
Is a window of opportunity that I am choosing to take

I will walk down the streets of unfamiliar White Rock
I will sit down with a friend in support of each others vision
I will get a new library card and recycling bin
I will cut hawthorn branches and put them in a vase on my kitchen window sill

This seeking simple journey continues, with less palm trees and more cloudy skies
With more family and friends, more busyness, more opportunities in the creation of our daily life

This seeking simple journey continues...

Upon the evening before our return...

"The most important thing is to find out the most important thing." - Shunryu Suzuki

or said another way from the movie City Slickers:

Curly: Do you know what the secret of life is?
(holds up one finger] This.
Mitch: Your finger?
Curly: One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and the rest don't mean s***.
Mitch: But, what is the "one thing?"

Curly: That's what you have to find out.

______________________________

It is 6:30pm in Alajuela, north of San Jose in Costa Rica. We are left with a few hours prior to sleep to tap away at keyboards, side by side, confirming our flights, perusing over journals from the last weeks and savouring the speedy internet connection that allows us to provide this update... We will fly out at 6:25am bound for home.

For the past 6 weeks we have been ensconsed in various forms of community, explores and reflection. It began with a glorious synchronicity that invited us into a small group of international friends (including an Australian Tibetan monk) to share a silent meditation retreat at the beautiful home lovingly created by Daniel at La Candela Retreat , where we got to watch lightning storms and lightning bugs, Resplendant Quetzals and virgin cloud forests. We were cared for and welcomed so warmly to this cozy haven of trees and stillness, plus the super blessings of skilled vegetarian chefs and 4 fabulous yoga teachers! The awe and gratefulness we feel to have had such an incredible time in meditation is H U G E indeed.

We then made our way to Rancho Mastatal environmental learning and sustainable living centre, high on a ridge in the humid tropical jungle. Our 12.5 hour journey to get there covered much terrain, from country side to city centre with a mandatory stop for the standard Costa Rican favourite- rice & beans. In the final bus ride, weaving through moutainous dirt roads past vast cattle pastures, we made friends with 2 little girls- copying each others actions, making silly faces and sharing laughing fits. Finally we arrived at Mastatal- at town with one Soda (restaurant), one bar, a community centre and (of essential note) the organic chocolate farm La Iguana! Our first night we had the pleasure (and slightly spooky 3am jungleness) to sleep on the upper floor of the open air bamboo´Hooch´ treehouse, pictured below:

Our time in Mastatal was full of friendly folks, fantastic food, tonnes of learning opportunities and much brainstorming about our lives to come upon our return. Playing with mosaics, cob building, barn raising, cooking, bread baking, writing, tending gardens, physical labour, big bugs and much more... Our time was rich with mentorship, gratitude and inspiration by a group of folks committed to ´walking their talk´around sustainability and continual learning. Plus we had lots of laughter and FUN!!!

On April 13, one of our final days in Mastatal, I sat down with my journal and wrote the following:

"We will be hugging our people at this time 2 weeks from now. We have been away, been in Central America for 3 months... What are my thoughts so far? Well, lets start with some alternate names for this trip: From NO to YES, 100 Days of Itching, Cabañas´R´Us, Finding Home From Abroad, Remembering-Forgetting-Remembering, I Should Have Learned Spanish, ´Veggies, Rice & Beans´, Vivero (plant nursery) for the Soul, and of course ´Who Knew I Could Like Guacamole More?´

"I am scared and excited to go home. Excited to create new ways to nurture our new roots, fearful of what might repulse me about our culture with these new eyes. I said in one of my facebook updates prior to our departue that this time was about pulling up our roots from familiar ground... in order to experience new ground, chart new territory - where does the light fall, where does the water pool, what flourishes, what wilts? So much fodder has grown up in the crevices over this time, so many plants reveal themselves right under our noses- ready to nurture us. So many tiny seedlings have been observed, nurtured, watered, transplanted. This trip has been a vivero for the seeds of our souls - outside much of what we typically know, do, use to fill our lives for, good or bad. Instead, again & again, we have had to generate our own direction, learned about what to listen for, what to watch out for, what to trust in order to direct us... many times floundering, often wondering: Why? Why here? What is our purpose?

"It had urged me to remember how deeply the river of meaning flows... I have learned-remembered that guidance, direction, purpose, value is almost always found in my perception rather than my actual experience... How am I viewing my experience'? What am I enacting? Can this change- moment to moment? Is this journey primarily a personal one, unique to each of us? Is the journey the same or different, wherever I am?

"Surprise! I did not become a different person through these various adventures. And yet I did too... I stayed with it even when it was hard and I wanted to run. I faced many unpleasant aspects of myself. I tapped more ways to hear myself and ask the important questions. I allowed myself to not have to "figure it all out".

And so... we arrive at the eve of April 25, about to head back to the world we left 3 and a half months ago, now with longer days and new shoots sprouting from the ground. We sit in a cozy skylit gardenside room in the cloud forest, put our socked feet up and ask ourselves "What is our most important thing, our ONE thing?"

Well, of course we had a hard time singling it down to one thing- and I will spare you the extended details here- but the summary that weaves throughout is GRATITUDE... remembering how blessed we are in each and every breath of our lives, learning to be ever more awake to our blessings: our legs that take us up ridges, our mouths that form words of connection, the abundant and resilient Nature that surrounds us, the silences we seek, the creativity that burbles up, the gracefulness of love, the blessings of this surreal time, the friends we have made, and of course the wonderful people we will soon be hugging!

See you all soon and be well! With all our love,

jenn & lee*

Hands

Once upon a city, where pinkies are polished, acrylic nails clack keyboards, and thumbs thumb intangible texts, touch is plastic, digital, artificial.

Now upon the land (of Rancho Mastatal), my fingers find the earth below our busy feet. The fine hair of roots, the symmetrical teeth of leaves, the cool scent of photosynthesis. Digits dig into fertile dirt, where bulbs are birthed and rhizomes rise. My palms hold the rich blood of Mother Earth. The work is raw and tactile, viscous and resonant with ancestral sweat and toil. Each cut and scrape is a needed reminder that our veins are filled by Her. Her bones of clay and skin of grass, scarred by machine and blade, craves the touch that too many fingers have forgotten.

My hands start to remember, what the deep roots, the supple stems, the green blades, and infinite seeds and spores already know.

My hands remember.

Books I Have Read this Year

Crossings by Betty Lambert
My aunt´s book. I read this when I was a teenager, but didn´t grasp all the tangles of sex, relationship and abuse. This is fiction, and yet it is not. Many of my relatives (prior to my birth) are in this. I am astounded by the power and truth in this prose. The writing is genius, in particular the dialogue. Being reprinted this year!

Between Planets by Robert Heinlein
A fun Heinlein juvenile. Starts on Earth, goes to Venus, ends up on Mars. Nothing profound, but plenty of momentum to keep me hooked throughout.

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
Read this in a day. My first Steinbeck, with a foreboding sense of the inevitable tragic end. Carefully drawn characters and lots of mood. Fate is a major, if invisible, character. Even with good and simple intentions life can lead one to disaster.

The Stars My Destination by Alfred Bester
This book took me by complete surprise. Initially, I deemed this to be a revenge story set in the future where people can jaunte (ie. teleport). My interest waned. However, by the end my mind was sufficiently blown. This is a crazy book about (mis)perception, hate, love, wisdom and the final evolution of humankind. Strikingly imaginative.

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
A wild read. Hilarious at times, sometimes infuriatingly repetitive, and a resounding argument about the mad absurdity of war. Laughed out loud without restraint, especially at key dialogue that goes hopelessly round and round and round.

Red Planet by Robert Heinlein
This book annoyed me. It feels like Heinlein got lazy here. A few interesting ideas but it felt like a prep novel for Stranger in a Strange Land. And the ending is somewhat abysmal. After a quick google, I'm not surprised that this was one of his first novels. Henceforth, I have decided to be done with the classic science fiction authors. Asimov, Bradbury, Clarke, Heinlein...I have read them thoroughly in the past, and have also read their best. I love them dearly but am ready for the next chapter.

The Geography of Bliss: One Grump's Search for the Happiest Places in the World (audiobook on ipod) by Eric Weiner
Never listened to a whole book before. An intriguing and often humorous take on how place and society affects our happiness. Iceland gets big points, maybe someday I'll go back. The author also discovers the importance of being creative, close to nature, resisting envy, and being embedded in culture. Yes, I took notes.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Original Swedish title: Men Who Hate Women) by Stieg Larsson
Compulsive reading. Sometimes felt like junk food, other times I was too engrossed to stop. Quite violent and disturbing at times. The mystery is told with finesse. The characters were intriguing, especially Lisbeth, though I seldom engaged with them emotionally. Perhaps because of the translation, I resonated much more with the rollicking story than the language of the prose. However, the next time I need a page-turner, I just need to pick up volume 2.

Martian Time-Slip by Philip K. Dick
Philip K. Dick passes the test. I'll still read him, even if he's old. Somehow his writings hold more resonance in the present than many other so-called grandmasters of science fiction. This book is about schizophrenia and society and the prejudices we hold towards both. Recommended.

Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman (currently reading)
This is entertaining. Myth and mayhem and a healthy dose of the bizarre. Not sure how much it will all add up to, but then, this book is about The Trickster, and by definition he is hard to pin down and define.