I find myself feeling alien here, more often than not.
What is needed to create that elusive sense of home? Will the right welcome mat/garden pot/fridge magnet/comfy couch help me to feel like this is the place for me? Will I find the like minded change agents I seek at that yoga class/coffee shop/movie night/work place?
I am trying to ride out these waves of resistance, judgement, aversion and fear - fear that the many good, purposeful, well thought out reasons we are here, are not enough to help me feel like I belong.
Wondering at this sense of disorientation, I am reminded about...
1. Pre-School: "Mom, can I go to preschool - I need friends" says 4 year old, only child me. Always one to crave connection and the familiar friendliness of playmates, co-conspirators and inspiration I begged to go. The need for connection and community has indeed been a part of almost every decision in my life.
2. Cul-de-sac: My own suburbia experience growing up until the age of 8. Close by to my school, a local stream to catch cray fish and another Jenny up the street who would become my best friend. My parents planting an expansive garden- eating fresh peas off the vine. Even then I took the role of social convener - inviting in the neighbourhood and concocting elaborate games.
3. Town House: Our move to the city after my parents divorce, both my Mom and I feeling alien and a reluctant sense of place. I remember telling my Mom that we had to move because there was a cemetery down the street. I remember making friends with cats.
4. Character: Seeking heritage, personality, community, vibrancy, diversity, colour as I started to find my own way- my own sense of home into adulthood. These choices directed by proximity to connection, meaningful activities, and of course health food stores. Suites in houses on tree lined streets- old homes, many neighbours, large windows, gardens spilling over...
And what do I see now when I am walking in this new place under the late afternoon sky?
I am choosing to see only the 2 car garages full of stuff, recently rolled out sod lawns, huge homes, expensive cars, status quo, development. I know that partially this is a choice to see things this way- but nonetheless I long for the hippie kids on their bikes, the coffee shops spilling over with familiar faces, the chaos and beauty of easement gardens, the colourful homes brimming with character and history.
I am trying very hard to ride these waves of resistance- trying to bring another perspective to the life I have only barely begun to create here. I will sign up for the yoga class. I will return home to our "just right" co-op townhouse. I will re-find myself in journals and on meditation cushions.
I will go downstairs to our new full sized kitchen, chop veggies from the neighbourhood house community garden, make soup and share it with my love when he returns. Home.
